haute cuizine

Recently, I found myself alone in the draughty old fen as Maxima took Minora and Minima across the marshes to visit her parents.

Having to cook for myself - infamy! - I stumbled across a recipe so stunning in its simplicity I felt compelled to share it.

The core ingredient is Heinz beans, which, Heinz having taken spelling lessons from Slade, are now marketed as Beanz.

Without further ado, I present to you:

Beanz à la crème frugaloise

Ingredients

2 large cans of Heinz Beanz

Tiptree East Anglian Hot Mustard

Saclà Classic Pesto

Processed cheese

Chili left over from a kebab

Method

Buy a slab of processed cheese about the size of your hand. Grate half of it. Deposit the other half in the hinterland of the fridge where you're unlikely to come across it in the near future, as it tastes better when it goes mouldy.

Empty the Beanz into a pan and turn up the heat pretty damn high. Add the grated cheese, and stir until you get bored. Add an imperial dollop of mustard.

Add the pesto. All of it. Don't get distracted by the calumny that this might be too much pesto, there's no such thing.

Get that tub of chili you couldn't add to your kebab the other night because your mouth felt like Death Valley with extra global warming on the side, and add just less than you might think. If you've no chili sauce left over, fish the kebab box out of the bin, and scrape some sauce from the vegetation therein into the pan.

Continue stirring. When it starts to look as if the whole thing's going to go belly-up, you can turn the heat down a little if you want. Remember, though, your success lies not just in the taste, but in the mixture's being heated up enough for the burnt bits at the bottom to be welded into the molecular structure of your beloved's best pan.*

Get two slices of white bread and cut the crusts off. Break the bread into little bits and add them to the pan, to soak up excess tomato sauce.

Enjoy for the next couple of days, on toast, jacket potatoes, or straight from the pan in front of the sports event/episode of QI/Lord of the Rings film of your choice.

When your beloved returns expecting the worst, you can regale her with tales of your gourmet adventures, and watch the pursed uxorial lip soften into a smile. And, if nothing else, the Beanz will ensure that she comes back to all she ever wanted in the first place: a regular guy.

*Other pans are available.

Related post: hypergarlic megapizza